Navigating Life Transitions with Confidence: Tips from a La Jolla Therapist

Every time I chat with a new client or explain my area of focus to a colleague I highlight life transitions. Transitions are a defining feature of your 20s and 30s, as they should be. 

Your 20s are your transition into adulthood. You may start this evolution in your teens by moving out, going to college, or starting your career but we spend most of our 20s learning what it means to be independent. The other feature of this decade is figuring out who you are. 

Let’s look at age from a developmental lens. As infants, we cling to our caregivers. Then we rebel as toddlers as we learn that we are physically separate beings and can exert our preferences. Throughout the school age years, the goal is to assimilate. We want to be part of the in-group and we will often curb our tastes to fit the mold. 

In our 20s this changes. We no longer prioritize fitting in. We return to ourselves. We develop confidence and self-love. And that exploration requires change. Change of job, change of city, change of partners, change of friends. As we evolve into who we are meant to be, things change.

Common life transitions we face in our 20s and 30s

Moving to a new city

Millennials and Gen Z are three times more likely to move than the generations before them. Jobs are remote and travel has become more accessible. Many people try out a new city before committing to one place. While this can be fun, it can also be scary. 

When we think about moving, we tend to focus on all the exciting parts. You can try new restaurants and coffee shops. You will explore new areas in a new city and meet new people. From my professional experience, this period lasts for several months and then the shininess wears off.

I compare it to a dating honeymoon period. You are dating a new city and it is not showing you any of its flaws for the first few dates. Then, suddenly you realize parking can be a nightmare, it is missing your favorite restaurant, and the time change makes calling your family more difficult. 

There are a few things you can do to make the end of the honeymoon period less bitter. For example, focus on healthy habits, find some hobbies you enjoy that can help build community, and set boundaries around visitors. 

While moving to a new place and showing it off to your friends is so fun, if you put more effort into planning an itinerary than connecting with people who live in your city, you are likely to feel lonely and depleted when your friends leave. 

Career transitions or job changes

The job market has changed since the pandemic. More people are getting laid off and qualified candidates are having a harder time getting a job. I keep hearing “The job posting already had a hundred candidates on LinkedIn!”. The competitiveness in the job market combined with the widespread use of AI is creating a stressful space. 

Younger generations are also less likely to stay in one field than their predecessors. Whether by force (like a layoff) or by choice, we have embraced the pivot. While pivoting to something more lucrative, more fulfilling, or more exciting can be fun, the lack of stability can be overwhelming 

Career changes, whether by choice or not, are stressful. If you want support navigating this change, send us a message.  

Dating, marriage, and breakups

In your 20s and 30s expectations are HIGH when it comes to romance. It seems that wherever you are and whatever you are looking for, you hope to find it during this period. Dating has DRASTICALLY changed in the last decade. The popularization of dating apps has completely altered how we approach decision making. The choices are endless. Profiles have become images rather than actual human beings. 

Many an influencer has addressed this issue as has every woman I know that has a dating profile. Lamenting Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge is as trite as talking about the weather. Everyone wants to meet a love interest in real life, but no one wants to go somewhere alone, try something new, or start a hobby. These apps have made potential suitors too accessible. Why would we consider putting ourselves in an uncomfortable situation when we can date 30 guys at the same time from our couch? 

This dilemma is creating big anxiety. It is also making monogamy hard to come by. It can be really helpful to process the stress of dating, outline your expectations and firm up you boundaries. Let’s talk about what you want and how to get you there. 

Marriage is another common step taken in our 20s and 30s. Planning a wedding should be a fun experience but society has put pressure on brides and it almost feels impossible to enjoy. Instead, it often seems like you take on a new part-time job when you get engaged. It doesn’t have to be this way. Addressing people-pleasing, perfectionism, and family dynamics can be really helpful. 

Once you are married, you have another change to navigate. Regardless of how long you have been with your partner prior to marriage, the stakes change when you say your vows. Relationships inevitably navigate rough waters. Learning how to steer the ship is part of the journey.

Break ups are another part of this time of life. Grief needs to be processed and lets be clear, you are grieving. You have a vision of what your life would be like and now that future has been erased. That is a loss. Needing support while you process that is understandable. 

I can and will go on about relationships in another post, but for now, let's talk about how to navigate transitions. 

Identity formation

Many of us feel pressure to have everything figured out by 30. I think those of us who have reached that milestone recognize there is no miracle on the other side. You do not in fact crumple into ash. If anything, you reach a sense of self-assuredness that may be lacking in our 20s.

While I think there is an expectation to have all the answers, it is more than okay if you are still searching. It is okay if you have not landed the promotion, gotten the partner, or started your family. The barometer we are all judging ourselves by is often made up. How can you get closer to YOUR goals? How can you identify what YOU want? How can you let go of what is expected and chase your own dreams?

More than anything, I think the goal of 30 should be happiness with yourself and happiness with where you are. If you need support reaching that goal or figuring out who you are/what you want, we are here for you.

How to build resilience during change

Life is all about change. Let’s discuss how you can approach change with resiliency. There are a few practices you can incorporate that help minimize anxiety and increase your focus on the present: mindfulness and gratitude. 

When you get overwhelmed with the lack of stability, narrow your lens. Look at what is right in front of you. What do you smell/taste/feel? Use your senses to ground yourself in the now. Sometimes when we get wrapped up in our future, anxiety takes over. Getting back to the present will create the feeling of having a greater sense of control. 

Gratitude can also help us to stay present. I really encourage a small gratitude practice. I find it easiest to incorporate first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Right when you open your eyes, immediately ask yourself to name three things you are grateful for. It can be your morning coffee or your comfy bed or the new pajamas you bought. Gratitude is intended to shift our perspective. When you build a daily practice you begin looking for things to be grateful for. That mindset also keeps you rooted in the present moment.

Connecting with social support is another tool that can help you build resilience during transition. Keep your friends and family in the loop. Talk to someone about what you are experiencing and how it feels. Sharing with another person helps lighten your load and increases feelings of connection. 

Let’s celebrate that life is about change. Evolution is exciting, it means you are always growing. If you want support navigating changes in your life, reach out. It is my specialty after all.